Body Language That Impresses: Posture, Eyes, Hands and Space

Picture Tomasz, a software tester, waiting outside an interview room in Warsaw. He has prepared good answers. He knows the company, he knows the role, and he has three solid examples ready. The door opens, the interviewer says his name, and Tomasz stands up, looks at the floor, wipes his palm on his trousers, and walks in with his shoulders rounded as if he were carrying a heavy bag. He sits on the edge of the chair and holds his own wrist under the table. His first answer is excellent. But the interviewer has already spent twenty seconds with a man who looks as though he would rather be somewhere else, and that feeling takes a while to fade.

Nothing Tomasz did was wrong in any moral sense. He was nervous, and nerves are normal. The problem is that his body was saying "I am not sure I belong here" while his words were saying "I am the right person for this job". When the two disagree, people tend to feel the disagreement even if they can't name it.

This part of the series is about closing that gap. We'll start with how you stand and sit, move through eyes, face, hands and space, and finish with the harder things: staying composed when your hands shake, reading other people without jumping to conclusions, and adjusting to cultures and settings that are not your own. First, though, we need to clear away some myths, because this subject has more of them than almost any other.

What body language can and cannot do

Let me set out what I'm promising and what I'm not. Body language will not let you read minds. It will not let you catch liars. It will not make weak content sound strong for long. What it can do is more modest and more useful: it can stop your body from contradicting you, it can make other people more comfortable around you, and it can help you notice when someone in front of you has changed mood so that you can ask about it.

The aim throughout is simple. Let your body agree with your words. If you are interested, look interested. If you are confident in your proposal, don't hide behind the laptop. That's all. You are not learning tricks to perform. People who perform tricks look like people performing tricks.

The myth of the 93 percent

You have probably heard that only 7 percent of communication comes from words, with 38 percent from tone of voice and 55 percent from the body or face. It appears in training slides all over the world, usually stated as a law of nature. It is a misreading.

The numbers come from small experiments carried out in the 1960s by the psychologist Albert Mehrabian and his colleagues. The experiments looked at one narrow question: how do listeners judge a speaker's feelings, and how much the speaker likes them, when the word, the tone and the face do not match? The material was tiny. Participants heard single words, spoken in a tone that fitted or clashed with the word's meaning, and in one experiment they also looked at photographs of facial expressions. In that situation, where the channels disagreed and the only thing being judged was feeling or liking, people relied more on tone and face than on the word itself.

That is a reasonable finding about a narrow case. It says nothing about communication in general, and Mehrabian himself has said so clearly and more than once. A moment's thought shows why the wider claim cannot be true. If words carried only a small fraction of meaning, you could watch a film in a language you don't speak and follow nearly all of it. You could understand a lecture on tax law with the sound off. You can't.

What survives from that research is a smaller, sensible idea: when your words and your manner disagree about how you feel, people tend to believe your manner. If you say "I'm delighted to be here" in a flat voice while looking at your phone, nobody believes the word "delighted". That's worth remembering. The percentages are not.

No gesture reveals a lie

Another popular belief is that liars give themselves away: they look up and to one side, touch their nose, avoid your eyes, or fidget. Research on deception has not supported this. When researchers have tested how well people spot lies from behaviour, the results have been poor, not much better than guessing, and that has included people whose jobs involve judging honesty. Looking away, in particular, is not a reliable sign. Honest people look away when they are thinking, when they are shy, or when their culture considers a steady stare rude. Some people who lie hold your gaze very firmly because they have heard the same myth you have.

Nervousness is not dishonesty. An honest person being questioned by their manager may sweat and stumble. Treat anyone who tells you they can spot a liar from one gesture with polite doubt.

Crossed arms do not have one meaning

Crossed arms are said to mean "defensive" or "closed". Sometimes they do. They can also mean the room is cold, the chair has no armrests, the person's back hurts, or this is simply how they stand when they concentrate. I cross my arms when I'm listening hard. Plenty of people do.

The honest rule for reading anyone has three parts, and we'll come back to them in detail later:

• Clusters. One signal means little. Several signals pointing the same way mean more.
• Context. The room, the temperature, the time of day, the culture and the relationship all change the meaning.
• Baseline. What matters is a change from how this particular person normally behaves, not a comparison with a chart in a book.

Power posing, handled with care

Some years ago a study became famous for suggesting that holding an expansive pose for a couple of minutes (hands on hips, feet apart) changed hormone levels and made people bolder. It spread widely. When other researchers repeated the work with larger groups, the hormone effects did not hold up well, and the claim in its strong form is now regarded with a lot of doubt. Some later work suggests that standing in an open way may still leave some people feeling a little more confident, and that a hunched, collapsed posture may do the opposite. The evidence is mixed and the size of any effect is argued over.

So here is my practical advice, offered as experience and not as science. If standing tall for a minute before a difficult meeting helps you feel steadier, do it. It costs nothing. But don't expect it to transform you, and don't rely on it in place of preparation. I make no promise about what it does inside your body.

Level 1: The basics of posture

Start with the frame. Before anyone notices your eyes or your hands, they see a shape: how you hold yourself from feet to head. Good posture is not a military stance. It is simply the position in which you look awake and at ease at the same time.

Standing

Try this now if you can. Stand with your feet roughly under your hips, a comfortable distance apart. Let your weight rest evenly on both feet, not on one hip. Soften your knees so they are not locked. Let your shoulders drop down and slightly back, as if you had just put down two shopping bags. Lift the top of your head a little, as though someone were gently pulling a thread upward from the crown. Your chin stays level, neither raised nor tucked.

That's it. You should be able to breathe easily. If you feel stiff, you've overdone it. Shake it out and try again with less effort.

Three common standing habits are worth checking in yourself:

• The sway. Shifting weight from foot to foot. It reads as restlessness. Plant both feet, and if you need to move, take a real step and then stop.
• The lean. Resting on one hip or against a wall. Fine among friends, too casual when you are meeting someone for the first time.
• The fold. Shoulders rounded forward, head down, often from years of looking at a phone. It makes you look smaller and more tired than you are.

Sitting

Sit with your back touching the back of the chair, or sit slightly forward with a straight spine, whichever the chair allows. Both feet on the floor, or legs crossed in whatever way is normal and polite where you are. Hands resting on the table or on your lap where they can be seen. Lean forward a little when you are listening or making a point, and sit back when the other person needs room to think.

Picture Ngozi on her first day at an accounting firm in Lagos. In the welcome meeting she sits far back, slides down in the chair, and keeps her bag on her lap like a shield. She is paying full attention, but she looks as if she is waiting for a bus. After the break she puts the bag on the floor, sits up, places her notebook on the table and rests her forearms beside it. She hasn't said a word more than before. She now looks like a member of the team.

A note on crossing legs and showing feet. In a number of countries, including parts of the Middle East and South and Southeast Asia, pointing the sole of your shoe at someone is considered disrespectful. If you cross an ankle over a knee in such a setting, you may be doing exactly that. When you're unsure, keep both feet on the floor. It's polite everywhere.

Head position

Keep your head level for most of a conversation. A slight tilt to one side while listening tends to look attentive and friendly. A chin held high can look as if you are looking down at people, and a chin tucked low can look unsure or, with eyes raised, a little hostile. None of these readings is certain, which is why a level head is the safe default.

Nodding means different things in different places. In many countries a nod means "yes" or "I agree". In Japan and elsewhere it often means "I am listening", not "I agree", which has surprised more than one visiting salesperson. In parts of India a sideways wobble of the head commonly signals agreement or acknowledgement. In Bulgaria the traditional meanings of nodding and shaking the head are the reverse of what most visitors expect. When agreement matters, confirm it in words.

Walking into a room

The entrance is a short performance whether you like it or not, so give it ten seconds of thought. Here is a sequence that works in most settings.

1. Before the door, put your phone away and free your right hand (or whichever hand you greet with). Carry bag, coat and folder on the other side.
2. Breathe out slowly once.
3. Open the door fully and walk in at your normal pace. Don't creep in sideways and don't rush.
4. Pause for a beat just inside, look up, find the person or people, and let your face show that you're glad to see them.
5. Walk to them, greet them, and wait to be shown where to sit if it's their room.

Compare two entrances to the same meeting.

Open and closed positions

An open position is one where the front of your body is not covered: arms uncrossed, nothing held in front of your chest, hands visible, body turned towards the person. A closed position is the opposite: arms folded tightly, a bag or folder held against the chest, shoulders turned away, hands hidden.

Open positions generally make you look more approachable, and that's why I recommend them as a default when you meet someone. But remember the warning from earlier. You are choosing an open position to send a clear signal about yourself. You are not entitled to assume that everyone in a closed position is hostile. They may be cold.

What to do with your hands, the short version

Almost everyone asks this, so here's the quick answer before the longer section. When standing, let your arms hang by your sides, or hold your hands loosely together in front at about waist height. When sitting, rest them on the table or your lap. When speaking, let them move naturally to help you explain. The hands only become a problem when you try to hide them or keep them busy.

Level 2: Eyes

Eye contact is the part of body language where culture matters most, so I'll give you a general pattern first and then complicate it.

Comfortable eye contact

In much of Europe, North America, Australia and parts of Latin America and the Middle East, steady eye contact during conversation is taken as a sign of attention and honesty. "Steady" doesn't mean unbroken. A comfortable pattern is to hold someone's gaze for a few seconds, glance away briefly as you think or as you finish a phrase, and come back. People usually look more while listening and a bit less while speaking, because looking away helps us find words.

I won't give you a number of seconds to count. Counting makes you look like someone who is counting. A better guide is this: hold the look for about as long as it takes to finish a thought, then let your eyes rest elsewhere for a moment, on your notes, on your hands, to the side. If the other person looks away often, reduce your own eye contact to match. If they hold your eyes for long stretches, you can give a little more.

If looking into someone's eyes feels too intense, look at the area around the eyes: the bridge of the nose, an eyebrow. At normal conversational distance the other person usually can't tell the difference.

Two things to avoid. The first is the stare, a fixed look with no breaks, which feels aggressive or strange in nearly every culture. The second is the scan, where your eyes keep travelling over the person's shoulder to see who else has arrived. At a networking event this is the quickest way I know to make someone feel unimportant.

Eye contact is not universal

In many cultures, looking directly into the eyes of an older or more senior person for a long time is disrespectful, and lowering the eyes is a sign of good manners. You'll find versions of this in parts of East Asia, South Asia, Africa, Latin America and among many Indigenous communities around the world. Between men and women who are not related, prolonged eye contact may be considered improper in some conservative communities. And within any country, families and individuals differ.

Picture Hyun-woo, a graduate from Seoul, interviewing with a manager in Amsterdam. He keeps his eyes lowered out of respect. The manager, used to a very direct style, wonders whether he is hiding something. Now picture the reverse: Anneke from Amsterdam meets a senior client in Seoul and holds his eyes firmly all through the meeting. She means it as honesty. He may experience it as a challenge.

Neither of them is wrong. They are using different rules. The practical lessons are these:

• When you are the visitor, watch how local people of your age and rank behave with seniors, and move in that direction.
• When you are the host or the judge, don't read lowered eyes as dishonesty or lack of confidence. It may be courtesy.
• When you work across cultures often, it's fine to say so openly: "Where I'm from we look at people quite directly. Tell me if it's too much."

Looking at a group

When you speak to three or more people, the usual mistake is to talk to one of them: the most senior, the friendliest, or the one who asked the question. Everyone else becomes an audience to a private conversation.

Instead, give one complete thought to one person, then move to another person for the next thought. Not a sweep like a lighthouse, which touches nobody, but a series of short, real connections. If someone asks a question, begin your answer looking at them, take in the others during the middle, and return to the questioner at the end.

In a large hall, divide the room roughly into areas (left, centre, right, back) and find one face in each. Speak a sentence or two to that face and move on. People sitting near that face will feel included too.

Be careful to include the quiet ones. In a sales meeting the person who says least is sometimes the one who signs. In a panel interview, the note-taker in the corner has a vote.

The camera problem

On a video call, eye contact is broken by design. When you look at the other person's face on your screen, they see you looking slightly down or to the side. When you look at the camera lens, they see you looking at them, but you can no longer see their reactions.

The workable compromise: look at the lens when you are making an important point, greeting, or saying goodbye, and look at the screen when you are listening, so that you can read their face. Move the window with the other person's video as close to the camera as you can, so the gap is small.

Level 3: Face

A real smile and a fixed one

A smile that comes from real pleasure usually involves the whole face. The cheeks lift and the skin around the eyes creases. A polite or forced smile tends to involve the mouth alone. Most of us sense the difference without analysing it, though the sense is not perfect, and some people can produce a convincing smile on demand.

I'm not going to teach you to fake the eye part. The better method is to give yourself something real to smile about. Before you meet someone, think of one thing you're honestly glad about: that they made time, that you finally get to ask your question, that the journey is over and you found the building. Then the smile arrives without being manufactured.

A fixed smile held through a whole meeting is tiring to wear and tiring to look at. Smile when you greet, when something is pleasant or funny, and when you say goodbye. In between, a relaxed, interested face is enough. Notice also that the amount of smiling expected differs by place. In some countries, smiling at strangers is ordinary politeness. In others, including parts of Central and Eastern Europe, a smile is kept for people you know or for moments that deserve one, and constant smiling from a stranger can seem insincere. A serious face at a business meeting in such a place is not unfriendliness.

Your resting expression

Many people have a neutral face that looks cross, bored or worried when they are none of those things. You can't see your own, so you may not know. Ask someone who will tell you the truth, or record yourself listening to a podcast for two minutes and watch it back.

If your resting face looks stern, you don't need to grin. Small changes help: unclench the jaw, let the lips part very slightly, lift the eyebrows a touch when someone starts speaking to you. Picture Valentina, a team leader in Bogotá, whose staff thought she disapproved of every idea. She watched a recording of a team meeting and saw that she frowned whenever she concentrated. She didn't change her face much. She simply started telling people: "I frown when I think. It means I'm taking you seriously." The problem mostly went away. Sometimes words are the easiest repair.

Showing that you are listening

Listening is invisible unless you make it visible. The signals are small:

• Your face and shoulders are turned towards the speaker.
• Your eyes are on them, in the way that suits the culture.
• You nod now and then, slowly. Fast, repeated nodding tends to say "hurry up, I want to speak".
• Your face responds to what they say: concern at bad news, a smile at good news.
• Your hands are still. You're not typing, scrolling or arranging papers.
• You make small sounds or words of acknowledgement if that is usual where you are.

The single most damaging habit in modern meetings is the glance at the phone. One glance, face down on the table, screen lighting up. The speaker sees it every time. If you are expecting an urgent call, say so at the start: "I may have to take one call from the hospital, I apologise in advance." Then put the phone out of sight. Part 5 of this series, on listening and asking questions, goes much deeper into this.

Level 4: Hands and gestures

Gestures that help explain

People gesture when they speak, in every culture, and even on the telephone when nobody can see. Gestures seem to help the speaker think as well as help the listener follow. So the advice is not "keep still". It is "let your hands do useful work".

Useful gestures fall into a few families:

• Counting. "There are three reasons", with fingers marking one, two, three. (Which finger starts the count differs between countries. Many Europeans begin with the thumb, many others with the index finger. It rarely causes trouble.)
• Size and direction. Hands apart for "large", close for "small". A hand rising for growth, falling for decline.
• Placing. Put one option on your left and the other on your right, and keep them there. "On one side, renting. On the other, buying." The listener can then see the comparison.
• Sequence. Steps marked along an imaginary line. Remember that your audience sees it mirrored. If they read left to right, move from your right to your left so that time runs forward from their point of view.
• Emphasis. A small downward beat of the hand on the word that matters.

Keep gestures between your waist and your shoulders, and in front of your body, for most conversation. Larger rooms need larger gestures, from the shoulder and not just the wrist. A video call needs smaller ones, kept inside the frame.

Open palms, shown now and then, generally come across as frank. Pointing at a person with the index finger feels accusing in most places and is openly rude in many. If you need to indicate someone, use the whole open hand, palm up, as if offering them the floor.

Gestures that do not travel

Some familiar hand signals mean something quite different elsewhere. The thumbs-up is friendly in many countries and offensive in some. The circle made with thumb and forefinger means "fine" to some people and is an insult to others. Calling someone over with a curled finger, palm up, is rude in a number of Asian countries, where a palm-down waving motion is used instead. In many places with Hindu or Muslim traditions the left hand is kept away from food, gifts and greetings.

You don't need to memorise a list. When you're abroad or with an international group, rely on plain descriptive gestures (size, number, direction) and avoid symbolic ones.

Keep your hands visible

Hands under the table, behind the back or deep in pockets leave people slightly less at ease, and visible hands tend to do the opposite. I can't give you a proven reason for it. I offer it as something I have seen again and again. In a meeting, keep your hands above the table. Standing, keep them out of your pockets at least for the first few minutes.

Attitudes to pockets vary. One hand in a pocket reads as relaxed in many workplaces. In others, including a good part of Germany, Japan and Korea, speaking to a senior person or a client with hands in your pockets is thought disrespectful. So, again, the safe choice is hands out.

Habits that distract

We all have small movements we make without knowing. Under stress they multiply. The common ones:

• Clicking a pen, or spinning it.
• Touching the face, nose, ear, beard or hair.
• Twisting a ring, a watch strap or a lanyard.
• Jingling coins or keys in a pocket.
• Tapping fingers or bouncing a knee so that the table shakes.
• Rubbing hands together or cracking knuckles.
• Adjusting glasses, a tie or a scarf every few seconds.

These do not mean you are lying or weak. They mean your body has energy to burn. But they pull the listener's attention away from your words, so it's worth reducing them. You'll only find yours on video, which is why the practice section asks you to record yourself.

The cure is rarely "stop it". It is to remove the object or give the hands a resting place. Put the pen down once you've finished writing. Empty your pockets. Rest one hand lightly on the other. Picture Rahim, a student in Dhaka giving a seminar talk, who clicked his pen through the whole practice run. His friend simply took the pen away and handed him a marker with a cap. The clicking stopped because there was nothing to click.

Handshakes and their alternatives

The handshake is common in international business, but it's not universal, and the style differs.

Where the handshake is standard, a good one is simple. Extend your hand with the thumb up and the palm vertical. Meet the other hand fully, so the webs between thumb and forefinger touch. Grip with about the pressure you would use to hold a door handle. One or two shakes, a look at the person, and release. If your palms are damp, dry them discreetly on a handkerchief or the side of your clothing before you go in.

Firmness is a matter of culture. A strong grip is admired in some countries. In others, including much of East and Southeast Asia and parts of the Middle East and Africa, a lighter, longer handshake is normal and a hard squeeze feels rough. A soft handshake from someone in those places tells you nothing about their confidence.

Then there are the greetings that are not handshakes at all:

• In India and Nepal, palms pressed together at the chest with a slight bow of the head, with the word namaste or a regional equivalent.
• In Thailand, the wai, palms together with a bow, where the height of the hands reflects the respect shown.
• In Japan, a bow, with depth and length depending on the relationship. Handshakes are often offered to foreign visitors, sometimes combined with a small bow.
• In many Muslim communities, a hand placed over the heart, often with a slight nod. This is also a common and gracious way to greet someone of the opposite sex when a handshake would not be appropriate.
• In parts of Europe, Latin America and the Middle East, a kiss or kisses on the cheek between people who know each other. The number and the starting side vary by country and even by region, which leads to friendly confusion.

Some people don't shake hands for religious reasons, particularly with the opposite sex. Others avoid it for health reasons, or because of pain, a disability or a sensory difference. The courteous approach is to let the other person lead where you can. If you're unsure, pause for half a second with a smile and see what they offer. If you offer a hand and it isn't taken, lower it without fuss, place it briefly on your chest or simply nod, and carry on warmly. Nobody has been insulted.

Claire (extends her hand): Good morning, I'm Claire.
Yusuf (hand on heart, smiling): Good morning, Claire. I'm Yusuf. I don't shake hands, but I'm very glad to meet you.
Claire (lowers her hand, returns the smile and the nod): And I you. Shall we sit by the window?

Both handled it well. Yusuf explained briefly and warmly. Claire didn't apologise at length or make it a topic. The meeting began.

Level 5: Space, angles and touch

Personal distance

Everyone carries an invisible bubble of space, and feels uneasy when a stranger steps inside it. The anthropologist Edward Hall, who gave the study of this the name proxemics, described several zones, from the closest distance kept for family and partners, through the distance of friendly conversation and the distance of formal business, out to the distance of public speaking. His measurements were based on the Americans he observed, and he was clear that other cultures draw the lines differently.

As a broad pattern, people in much of Latin America, southern Europe and the Middle East tend to stand closer in conversation than people in northern Europe, North America and East Asia. These are tendencies with many exceptions. City and village differ. So do generations and individuals, and crowded trains everywhere suspend the rules.

The classic scene is two people crossing a room without noticing. One steps closer to be friendly. The other steps back to be comfortable. The first follows. Neither is rude. If someone steps back from you, stay where you are. If someone stands closer than you'd like, try to hold your ground for a while before deciding they are pushy. They may simply be from somewhere warmer.

Setting changes distance too. A quiet conversation about a personal matter brings people nearer. A first business meeting keeps them about an arm's length and a bit apart. A doctor, a tailor or a hairdresser has permission to come close that a salesperson doesn't.

Angles

Two people standing squarely face to face, close together, create a feeling of intensity. That suits a private conversation between friends, and it suits an argument. For a first meeting it can feel like a confrontation, particularly if one person is much taller.

Standing at a slight angle, so that your bodies form a loose V, is easier on both of you. You can still look at each other, and each of you can look away without it seeming like an escape. It also leaves an opening for a third person to join, which matters at a networking event. Two people facing each other squarely have closed their circle. Two people at an angle have left a door open.

Side by side is the most relaxed arrangement of all. It's why difficult conversations often go better in a car, on a walk, or while washing dishes. You're both looking at the same thing and not at each other.

Don't block the exit

When you start a conversation with a stranger, on a train, in a shop, in a corridor, be aware of where the way out is. If you stand between a person and the door, or lean over someone who is seated, they may feel cornered even if your words are friendly. This matters most when you are larger, more senior, or when a man approaches a woman who is alone. Stand to the side. Leave the path clear. People relax when they know they can leave.

The same applies at height. If the other person is seated, or uses a wheelchair, or is a child, find a way to bring your eyes nearer their level for any conversation longer than a few sentences. Take a chair. Don't lean on the wheelchair, which is part of the person's own space.

Touch

Beyond the greeting, touch at work is best kept to very little. A brief touch on the arm or shoulder is normal friendliness in some cultures and unwelcome in others, and you cannot tell from someone's passport which kind of person they are. If the other person is warm and tactile, you may respond in kind within your own comfort. Don't start it. And respect your own limits as well: you are allowed to step back.

Where to sit in a meeting

Seating shapes a conversation more than people realise.

• Directly opposite, across a table, is the arrangement of negotiation and examination. It's formal and can feel like two sides.
• At the corner, with you on one side and the other person on the adjacent side, is the most cooperative arrangement for two. You can both see a document, you can look at each other easily, and there's a bit of table between you for comfort.
• Side by side is good for working through something together on a screen, but makes eye contact awkward and can feel too close with someone you've just met.
• Round tables reduce the sense of rank. Long tables increase it. The ends and the centre of the long side are usually where senior people sit.

As a guest, wait to be shown a seat, or ask. In several countries, Japan, China and Korea among them, seating by rank is a careful matter, and the seat furthest from the door is often the place of honour. Taking it by accident is an awkward start. If you are the host, think about what you want from the meeting. For an interview where you want the candidate to relax, the corner works better than the far side of a big desk.

Level 6: Matching and mirroring, honestly and lightly

When two people are getting on well, they often drift into similar positions and rhythms without intending to. Both lean in. Both pick up their cups around the same time. Their speed of speech moves closer together. Researchers have observed this kind of unconscious mimicry many times, and it seems to be part of how people bond.

From this comes the sales-training advice to "mirror" your customer: copy their posture, their gestures and their breathing to create rapport. Here I'd like you to be careful, for a practical reason and an ethical one.

The practical reason is that mechanical copying looks strange. If the client crosses her legs and two seconds later you cross yours, scratches her ear and you scratch yours, she will notice. Once she notices, she feels handled, and whatever trust you had is gone. Picture Dmitri, fresh from a sales course, copying every move a purchasing manager makes. The manager, amused, puts both hands on his head to see what happens. Dmitri's hands start to rise. The meeting doesn't recover.

The ethical reason is that imitation used as a technique to lower someone's guard, so that they agree to something they otherwise wouldn't, is manipulation. This series doesn't teach that.

The honest version is about matching energy and pace, not copying movements. You are adjusting yourself so that the other person is comfortable, the way you would lower your voice in a library.

• If they speak slowly and quietly, slow down and soften a little.
• If they are brisk and want to get to the point, get to the point.
• If they are sitting back and relaxed, don't perch on the edge of the chair leaning over the table.
• If they are formal, be a little more formal. If they take off their jacket and laugh, you can loosen too.

There's one exception. Don't match anger or panic. If someone raises their voice and leans over you, matching them makes things worse. Stay slower and lower than they are, and let them come down to you. Part 10 covers difficult moments like that.

Level 7: Reading other people

Reading others works on the three rules from the start: clusters, context, baseline. The most useful thing to watch for is a change. A client who has sat back with folded arms since he arrived is telling you little. A client who was leaning in and folds his arms and sits back at the moment you mention the price has reacted to something.

Here are clusters that often go with certain states. Read "often" as "often", not "always".

The third column is the important one. You are forming a guess, and a guess needs checking. The check is a question, asked kindly, which leaves the person free to answer either way.

Weak (assumes): "I can see you don't like the price."
Stronger (checks): "I've just covered the pricing. How does that sit with what you had in mind?"

Weak (ignores): carries on through the remaining slides while the client looks at the clock.
Stronger (checks): "I'm aware of the time. Would it help if I went straight to the two points that matter most?"

The first weak version tells people what they think, and people dislike that even when you're right. The checking versions invite the truth. Often you'll learn that your reading was wrong: the client frowned because she was working out the delivery date, not because of the price.

A short word on baseline. In the first minutes of any meeting, during the small talk, notice how the person normally sits, how much they look at you, how fast they talk. That's your reference. A naturally still, quiet person who stays still and quiet is not bored. A lively person who goes still might be.

Level 8: Different settings

Job interview

Your interview begins in reception, so sit upright there with the phone away. Use the entrance sequence from Level 1. Sit back in the chair with your hands on the table or lap, and with a panel, share your eye contact as described in Level 2. When you need to think, look away and think. A pause with a calm face looks considered. At the end, stand, gather your things without rushing, thank each person, and keep your composure until you're out of the building.

Presentation on stage

Walk to your spot, stop, plant your feet, look at the audience and breathe before the first word. That silent second feels long to you and looks confident to them. Move with purpose: walk to a new spot between points, then stand still to deliver the point. Pacing back and forth is the stage version of the sway. Don't turn your back to read the slides, and if there's a lectern, don't grip it. Make gestures larger than feels natural, because distance shrinks them.

Sales meeting at a client's office

You're a guest. Wait to be seated, accept the water or tea if it's offered (in many cultures refusing hospitality is a small rebuff), and keep your belongings compact. Don't spread across their table. When you show something on a laptop or a brochure, turn it fully towards them, and sit at the corner if you can so you look at it together. Watch the whole group, including the quiet ones. When they talk among themselves, sit back and give them room. Leaning in at that moment is pressure.

Video call

• Camera height. Lens at about eye level. A laptop on a desk looks up your nose, so raise it on books.
• Framing. Head and shoulders, with a little space above your head, and enough chest that your hands show when you gesture.
• Light. The main light in front of you, such as a window or lamp behind the screen. A bright window behind you turns you into a shadow.
• Distance. Far enough back that your face doesn't fill the screen.
• Background. Tidy and quiet.
• Stillness. Avoid swivelling in the chair. On a small screen it's seasick-making.

Nod a little more visibly than you would in person, since small signals get lost, and remember that people can see you when you're not speaking.

Phone call

Nobody can see you, and your body still matters, because your voice is made by it. Slumped in a chair with your chin on your chest, your breathing is cramped and your voice tends to come out flatter. Sit up or stand for important calls. Many people find that walking gives their voice more energy, and that a smile can be heard. Gesture if you normally do.

Walking meeting

Side by side suits frank conversations, as we saw. Match the pace of the slower walker. Let the other person walk on the side away from traffic, glance across regularly, and stop walking for the important sentence. Check first that a walk suits the other person's health, mobility and shoes.

A meal

Table customs differ enormously, so watch your host and follow. In some places you eat with the right hand only. In others, with chopsticks, which should never be left standing upright in a bowl of rice in Japan or China because of the link with funeral rites. Everywhere: phone off the table, don't gesture with cutlery, don't talk with a full mouth, keep pace with the others, and put the fork down when someone asks you a real question.

Level 9: Advanced composure

Breathing under pressure

When you're anxious, breathing becomes quick and high in the chest, and the voice and hands follow. Slowing the breath, especially the out-breath, is one of the few direct controls you have. Before you go in, breathe in gently through the nose, then out slowly, taking longer over the out-breath than the in-breath. Do this four or five times. During the meeting, one slow out-breath before you answer a hard question does the same job and looks like thought.

Add to this: feel both feet on the floor, drop your shoulders, loosen your jaw. When a question surprises you, the order is breathe, look, then speak.

When nerves show

Shaking hands, a blush, a dry mouth, a trembling voice. First, some comfort from research: people tend to overestimate how visible their nervousness is, and how much others notice about them generally. It feels like a spotlight. To the audience it's usually a detail.

• Shaking hands. Don't hold a single sheet of paper, which magnifies the tremor. Use stiff cards or a tablet, or put notes on the table. Rest your hands on the table or lectern. Don't pick up a full glass until you've settled. Large gestures hide a shake better than small ones.
• Blushing. You can't stop it by will, and fighting it feeds it. Carry on. Observers are usually kinder about a blush than the blusher expects.
• Dry mouth. Have water nearby and sip it in a pause.
• Naming it. One light sentence, once: "I'm a little nervous, this matters to me." Then move on. Repeated apologies make the audience nervous too.

Taking up the right amount of space

Some people shrink: elbows tucked in, bag on lap, voice low, a corner of the table. Others spread: arms along neighbouring chairs, legs wide, belongings everywhere. Neither suits most situations. The right amount is the space of your own chair and your share of the table, used without apology. If you tend to shrink, put your forearms on the table and your papers in front of you. If you tend to spread, pull in and notice whether others have room.

Status, with seniors and juniors

With someone senior, the aim is respect without shrinking. Follow their lead on greeting, seating and formality. Stand when they enter if that's the custom, and in many cultures it is. Then sit properly and speak clearly. You're there because you have something to offer.

With someone junior, your signals are magnified. A frown from you weighs more than a frown from a colleague. So reduce the distance on purpose: come out from behind the desk, sit at the same height, put the phone away, and give them your full face. Picture Kavita, a director in Pune, holding one-to-one meetings across a large desk while glancing at her screen. Her team said little. She moved the meetings to a small round table and closed the laptop. Same people, and they talked more.

Disabilities and differences

Everything in this article is a general guide, and there is no single correct body. Many people cannot, or prefer not to, follow the standard advice, and they communicate well.

• Many autistic people find eye contact uncomfortable or distracting, and listen better without it. Looking near the face, or saying "I listen best when I look away", are both fine.
• Blind and partially sighted people may not direct their gaze at you. Say your name when you arrive and say when you're leaving.
• Deaf and hard-of-hearing people may need to see your face and lips. Keep your hands away from your mouth, face the light, and speak to the person, not to the interpreter.
• A person with a tremor, a tic, a stammer, chronic pain or a facial difference is not showing nerves or evasiveness.
• Wheelchair users, people of short stature and people who need to stand or move during long meetings should have the room arranged to suit them.

If this is you, you owe nobody an explanation, though a brief one, if you choose, often helps: "I'll be standing for part of this, my back prefers it." If you're on the other side, judge people by what they say and do, and ask "Is there anything that would make this easier?" when it seems welcome.

Dress and grooming

Clothes are part of the signal, and the rule is fit, in both senses. Clothes that fit your body, clean and in good repair, so that you're not tugging at them. And clothes that fit the setting: find out what people there wear and dress at that level or slightly more formally for a first meeting. Religious and cultural dress belongs in professional life. When visiting another country or a place of worship, ask about local expectations on covering. Go lightly on scent, since a closed room and someone's allergy are a bad combination. And wear nothing new for the first time on an important day.

Common mistakes

• Believing the percentages and neglecting what you actually say.
• Judging a person's honesty or mood from one gesture.
• Treating your own culture's eye contact, handshake or distance as the correct one.
• Performing: the rehearsed gesture, the copied posture, the fixed smile.
• Fixing everything at once and becoming stiff. Change one habit at a time.
• Looking at the phone, even briefly.
• Hiding the hands, or keeping them busy with a pen.
• Talking to one person in a group.
• Standing between a stranger and the door.
• Apologising repeatedly for nerves that few people had noticed.

Practice: four weeks with a camera

Your phone camera is the best teacher you have. The first viewing is uncomfortable for everybody. Fifteen minutes a day is plenty.

1. Week 1, baseline. Record yourself standing and speaking for two minutes on any subject. Watch it three times: once normally, once with the sound off, once counting one habit (sways, face touches or pen clicks). Write the count down. This is the number you'll compare against.
2. Week 2, posture and entrance. Each day, practise the standing position for one minute, then record yourself walking into a room and greeting an imaginary person. Five repetitions. Measure: can you do the sequence without looking down?
3. Week 3, eyes and hands. Put three objects on chairs as an audience and give a two-minute talk, one thought per "face", with one counting gesture and one placing gesture. Record a video call with a friend and check how often you looked at the lens during key points.
4. Week 4, real life. Choose one real conversation a day and one thing to attend to, such as keeping hands visible. Afterwards, note in one line what happened. At the end of the week, repeat the Week 1 recording and compare the counts.

Add one reading exercise through the month: in a cafe or on a train, watch a pair talking for a minute and guess the mood, then note what else could explain it. It trains you to hold your guesses loosely. And once, ask a trusted friend: "What do I do with my body or face that I probably don't know about?"

One-page checklist

• Body agrees with words. No tricks.
• Feet planted, weight even, shoulders down, head level.
• Phone away, greeting hand free, pause inside the door.
• Eye contact in short, real connections, adjusted to the culture and the person.
• Lens for key points on video, screen for listening.
• Smile when there's a reason. Relaxed face otherwise.
• Hands visible, gestures that explain, objects put down.
• Let the other person lead the greeting when unsure.
• Slight angle, exit clear, corner seat when you can.
• Match pace and energy. Never copy movements.
• Read clusters, context, baseline and change. Then ask.
• Long out-breath before the hard answer.
• No single correct body. Judge by words and actions.

Next: your voice

Your body has set the scene. Now people are waiting to hear you, and the way you sound will either carry your words or bury them. Part 4, "Your Voice: Tone, Pace, Pauses and Clarity", takes the breathing and posture you've practised here and builds on them: how to be heard without shouting, how to slow down, how to use silence, and how to be understood by listeners for whom your language is their second or third.