How to Start a Conversation with a Stranger

Picture Tomas at his first industry conference. It is the mid-morning break and he is standing in the coffee queue, which is long and slow. The woman in front of him is looking at the same tray of pastries he is looking at. She has a conference badge, like him. She is alone, like him. For four minutes they stand half a metre apart and study their phones. Then she takes her coffee and leaves, and he takes his and stands by a pillar.

Nothing went wrong. Nobody was rude. But that afternoon Tomas sees her name on a slide: she leads the team he has wanted to join for a year. He had four minutes, a shared queue and a tray of pastries to talk about, and he spent them reading an email he had already read.

Most of us have a version of this story. The good news is that starting a conversation with a stranger is not a gift some people are born with. It is a small set of habits: noticing whether someone is open to talk, saying one ordinary sentence, and then being curious about the answer. In Part 1, How to Introduce Yourself Impressively, you prepared what to say about yourself. This part is about the moment before that, when nobody has asked you anything yet and somebody has to speak first.

We will start with the fear, because that is what actually stops people. Then we will build up level by level, from a simple hello to joining a group, talking to someone senior, and doing all of it in a way that is respectful and safe for the other person.

Why talking to a stranger feels risky

Ask people what they are afraid of when they think about speaking to a stranger and the answers are rarely dramatic. Nobody expects to be shouted at. The fears are quieter than that.

• "I'll be bothering them."
• "I won't know what to say after the first sentence."
• "They'll think I want something."
• "They'll think I'm strange."
• "It will go silent and I'll be stuck there."

Look at that list again. Every item is a guess about what is happening inside the other person's head. We cannot see in there, so we fill the gap with the worst version. And we do it quickly, in the two seconds when we could have said hello.

What the fear is really about

The fear is about rejection, and rejection from a stranger feels oddly personal because the stranger has nothing else to judge us by. A friend who is short with you is having a bad day. A stranger who is short with you seems to be giving a verdict on you as a person. That is how it feels. It is almost never what is happening. The stranger who gives you a one-word answer is thinking about their train, their sore knee, the phone call they have to make. You are a very small part of their morning.

There is a second thing going on. When you are nervous, your attention turns inward. You hear your own voice, notice your own hands, replay your own sentence. The other person notices far less of this than you imagine. People are mostly busy managing their own impression.

People respond better than we expect

Here is the pattern that anyone who practises this discovers: most people respond more warmly than you predicted. Not everyone, and not every time, but most. Researchers who have asked commuters to talk to the stranger next to them have reported the same thing in general terms: people expect the conversation to be awkward and unwelcome, and afterwards they tend to say it was more pleasant than they thought. Other studies of first conversations suggest that people often underestimate how much the other person liked them. I won't put numbers on either, because the point does not need them. Your prediction is pessimistic. Treat it as a nervous guess, not a forecast.

Think about your own side of it. When a stranger last said something friendly to you in a queue, did you think "what a strange person"? More likely you answered, perhaps smiled, and forgot about it, or remembered it as a pleasant moment. You are that stranger to somebody else.

One honest limit. "Most people respond well" is true when you choose the moment sensibly and approach with respect. It is not a licence to talk to anyone, anywhere, whether they want it or not. Reading the other person comes first, so that is Level 1.

A more useful way to think about it

Stop thinking of an opener as a performance that succeeds or fails. Think of it as an invitation. You say one light sentence. The other person either picks it up or does not. If they pick it up, you have a conversation. If they do not, you have lost ten seconds and nothing else. An invitation that is declined is not a failure. A demand that is refused is. So make invitations.

Level 1: The basics of reading the person and the moment

Before you say anything, look. Ten seconds of observation saves most of the awkwardness people fear. You are asking one question: is this person open to a few words right now?

Signals that someone is open, and signals that they are not

None of these is a rule on its own. Someone can wear headphones and be glad of a chat, and someone with an open posture may want to be left alone. Read two or three signals together. And treat headphones seriously: for many people they are a polite "do not disturb" sign, and respecting that sign is part of being someone others feel comfortable around.

Eye contact needs a note, because it does not mean the same thing everywhere. In many Western European and North American settings, a brief meeting of eyes and a small smile is the standard green light. In parts of East Asia, and in many cultures when there is a difference in age or status, people hold eye contact for a shorter time out of politeness, not coldness. So a lack of eye contact is a weaker signal than a turned-away body or a fast pace. We will come back to this in Part 3, Body Language That Impresses.

Choosing the moment

Good moments have something in common: both of you are waiting, or both of you have just finished something. Queues, breaks, the minutes before a session starts, the lift, the walk out of a meeting room, the time at the kettle. In these moments nobody is interrupted, because nothing was happening.

Poor moments are the opposite. The person is in the middle of a task, in the middle of a conversation, eating with their mouth full, rushing, or visibly upset. A person reading their notes two minutes before giving a talk is not available. The same person ten minutes after the talk usually is, and will be glad you came over.

Picture Aiko in a co-working space. She wants to meet the designer who sits across the room. At eleven the designer is wearing headphones and frowning at a screen. Aiko waits. At half past twelve the designer is at the microwave, waiting for her lunch to heat. That is the moment, and it costs Aiko nothing to wait for it.

Approaching without startling

How you arrive matters as much as what you say.

• Come from the front or the side, where you can be seen. Never from behind, and never by touching a shoulder.
• Keep a comfortable distance. About an arm's length and a bit more is a safe starting point in most places. Comfortable distance varies between cultures and between people, so watch: if they lean or step back, you are too close. Stay where they have put you.
• Stand at a slight angle, not squarely face to face. Side by side or at an angle feels like company. Square-on and close feels like a confrontation.
• Leave their way out clear. Do not stand between a person and the door, the aisle or the exit of a row of seats.
• Slow down for the last two steps. A person who arrives fast is alarming. A person who drifts in is not.

The first five seconds

The first five seconds have a simple order: look, smile a little, say the sentence, then stop. Stopping is the part people forget. A nervous speaker says the opener and then keeps talking to cover the silence, which leaves the other person no room to answer.

Your sentence should be short enough to say on one breath and ordinary enough that it needs no explanation. Say it a little slower than feels natural. If your voice is tight, breathe out before you speak, not in. We will work on the voice properly in Part 4, but slow and audible is enough for now.

Then wait. Two seconds of quiet while someone decides how to answer feels long to you and normal to them.

Level 2: Openers that work, and why they work

There is no perfect opening line. What works is ordinary, and that is the point. An opener has only one job: to show that you are friendly and to give the other person something easy to answer. There are five kinds that do this reliably.

1. A comment on the shared situation

You and the stranger have one thing in common for certain: you are in the same place, at the same time, experiencing the same thing. The queue, the weather outside the window, the speaker you both just heard, the delayed train. A comment on that is safe because it is about neither of you.

"That was a lot of information for nine in the morning."
"I think this is the slowest lift in the building."
"They've really gone for it with the flowers."

Keep the comment light or positive. We will see later why complaints are a poor start.

2. A genuine question

A question you actually want answered is the easiest opener of all, because the other person knows exactly what to do with it.

"Do you know if the afternoon session is in the same room?"
"Have you been to this one before?"
"Is that the vegetarian option? It looks good."

The word "genuine" matters. People can hear the difference between a question you care about and one you are using as a tool.

3. A sincere and specific compliment

A compliment works when it is about something the person chose or did, and when it is specific. "Good talk" is polite. "The example about the hospital rota made the whole thing click for me" is a gift. Compliment work, choices, ideas, questions asked, a well-run event, a bag or a notebook or a bicycle. Do not compliment bodies or looks. More on that under openers that fail.

4. Asking for a small piece of help or an opinion

Most people like being useful, and a small request makes the other person the expert for a moment. Small is the key word: something they can do in ten seconds without any cost.

"You look like you know this machine. Which button is for hot water?"
"I'm choosing between the two workshops at two o'clock. Have you heard anything about either?"

5. A simple hello plus your name

At any event where people are expected to meet (a conference, a course, a wedding, a first day at work) you do not need a reason. "Hello, I'm Priya. I don't think we've met." is complete. In many settings a handshake goes with it. In others a nod, a slight bow, or a hand on the chest is the norm, and some people do not shake hands with the opposite sex for religious reasons. If you are unsure, offer your name and a smile, and let the other person lead on the greeting.

Example lines for ten settings

Here are lines you can borrow. Change the words until they sound like you. A borrowed sentence said naturally beats a clever one said stiffly.

A conference coffee queue

"Which session did you just come from? I'm trying to work out if I chose the right one."
"This queue is the best networking at the whole event. I'm Tomas, by the way."
"Have you found anywhere to sit down in this place?"
"I liked your question at the end of that talk. I'd been wondering the same thing."

A training course

"Is this seat free? I'm Mei."
"Did you follow that last exercise? I got lost around step three."
"What made you sign up for this one?"
"Are you here with your team or on your own, like me?"

A new office kitchen

"Hi, I'm Daniyar. I started on Monday, so I'm still learning where everything is. Is there a system with the mugs?"
"Which team are you in? I'm still putting faces to names."
"Is there anywhere good for lunch near here? I've only found the sandwich place."

Being new is an advantage. "I'm new" explains why you are introducing yourself, invites help, and lasts for about a month. Use it while you have it.

A co-working space

"I see you here most mornings. I'm Aiko. What are you working on, if you don't mind me asking?"
"Is the wifi slow for you as well today, or is it my laptop?"
"Do you know if the meeting rooms need booking?"

A train or flight

"Excuse me, is this the train that stops at the airport?"
"Are you heading home or heading out?"
"Do you mind if I put my bag up there next to yours?"

Travel needs extra care. The other person cannot easily move, especially on a plane. Say one light thing, and if the answer is short, leave them in peace for the rest of the journey. A good chat on a train happens when both people choose it.

A gym

"Are you using this bench, or can I work in between your sets?"
"Do you know how this machine adjusts? I can't find the pin."
"Is the Tuesday class worth going to?"

At a gym, keep it practical and brief, speak between sets and never mid-exercise, and say nothing about anyone's body or how they look when training. Many people go to the gym precisely to be left alone.

A waiting room

"Do you know if they call us by name or by number?"
"Have you been waiting long?"
"They've had the same magazines since I was last here."

In a medical waiting room, never ask why someone is there. People may be worried or unwell. Offer one light line, and accept a short answer as final.

A wedding

"How do you know the couple?"
"I'm Ngozi, I was at university with the bride. Are you on the groom's side?"
"Wasn't that a lovely ceremony? I didn't expect the reading from her grandfather."

"How do you know the couple?" is close to a perfect opener. Everyone has an answer, the answer is a story, and the story gives you your next three questions.

A parents' group

"Which one is yours? Mine is the one in the yellow coat refusing to come down the slide."
"Is this your first time here? It's our second week."
"How old is she? We're just getting to that stage."

An online community or a video call before the meeting starts

"Morning, everyone. Where is everybody joining from today?"
"Lucia, I think we were on the planning call last month. How did the launch go?"
"I read your post about the migration project. The part about testing with real users was useful. Did you keep doing that?"

Online, the shared situation is thin, so be more specific. In a community, reply to something the person actually wrote before you message them privately, and say in your first line why you are writing. On a video call, the two minutes before the meeting starts are the coffee queue. Use a name, because nobody knows who you are looking at on a screen.

Why these work: three things every good opener has

1. It is easy to answer. The other person does not need to think hard or reveal anything.
2. It is low pressure. A short answer would be a perfectly polite response, so they do not feel trapped.
3. It is about something real. The room, the event, their work, a need you have. Not a line.

Openers that fail

Openers fail for a small number of reasons. Once you can see them, you will stop using them.

Interview-style questions

"What do you do? Where are you from? How long have you been there? Do you like it?" Each question is harmless. Four in a row feel like a form being filled in. The other person gives short answers, you ask another, and both of you feel the conversation dying while it is still technically alive. The fix is to give something back between questions, which we will practise in Level 3.

A note on "What do you do?" It is a normal early question in many business settings and in much of North America. In other places and social settings it can sound as though you are measuring the person's status, and it is uncomfortable for someone who is between jobs, caring for family or retired. "What keeps you busy?" or "What brings you here?" lets people answer with whatever they like.

Cleverness

A witty opening line puts the other person under pressure to be witty back, and makes the moment about you. Humour is wonderful once a conversation is going. As the first sentence to a stranger it is a gamble, and jokes travel badly between cultures and languages. Ordinary is safer and, oddly, more charming.

Negativity

Complaining feels like an easy way to bond: the coffee is terrible, the speaker was dull, the organisers are useless. It sometimes gets agreement. But it tells a stranger that your first instinct is to criticise, and you do not know who you are talking to. The dull speaker may be their manager. The organiser may be their sister.

A shared mild inconvenience said with a smile is fine ("This queue is giving us plenty of time to choose"). A real complaint is not.

Anything about appearance that could make someone uncomfortable

Do not open with a comment on someone's body, face, figure, age, weight, or how attractive they are. It does not matter that you mean it kindly. From a stranger it is unsettling, it puts the person in the position of being assessed, and in a workplace it is unprofessional. The same applies to guessing someone's origin from how they look ("Where are you really from?"), commenting on an accent, or remarking on a disability, a pregnancy or a religious garment.

The safe test: compliment what a person chose or did, in a way you would be happy to say in front of their colleagues. "That's a great notebook, where did you find it?" passes. A remark about their figure does not.

Level 3: Keeping it going

The opener gets you ten seconds. What most people actually fear is second eleven. This level gives you the mechanics of a conversation that keeps moving without effort.

Open and closed questions

A closed question can be answered with one word: yes, no, a number, a place. An open question asks for a sentence or a story. It usually starts with "what", "how", or "what was it like".

Closed questions are not bad. They are easy, which makes them good openers, and they are kind to someone speaking a second language. The skill is to follow a closed question with an open one. "Have you been to this conference before?" "Yes, twice." "What keeps you coming back?"

Be careful with "why". "Why did you choose accounting?" can sound like a challenge. "What drew you to accounting?" asks the same thing and sounds interested.

Give the other person hooks

A hook is a small piece of information the other person can pick up and ask about. When someone asks where you are from and you say "Leeds", you have given them nothing. When you say "Leeds, though I've been in Rotterdam for three years now, still getting used to cycling in the rain", you have given them three hooks: Leeds, Rotterdam and cycling.

People who are hard to talk to are usually not unfriendly. They simply answer exactly what was asked and stop. So make a habit of answering every question with the answer plus one extra detail.

The question-answer-add pattern

This is the single most useful pattern in this article. When it is your turn, do three things: answer what was asked, add a detail, and then hand the conversation back with a question. When you are the one asking, listen to the answer, add something of your own, and ask the next question. Each turn has some giving and some asking.

Here is the interview version, at a training course.

Mei: Where do you work?
Kwame: At a logistics firm.
Mei: How long have you been there?
Kwame: Four years.
Mei: Do you like it?
Kwame: It's fine.

And here is the same conversation with question-answer-add.

Mei: Where do you work?
Kwame: At a logistics firm. I plan delivery routes, which is more interesting than it sounds. How about you?
Mei: I'm in a hospital, doing staff scheduling. So I suppose we both move things around on a timetable, except mine complain more. What makes route planning interesting?
Kwame: The puzzles. Last month a bridge closed and we had to redo forty routes in a day.
Mei: Forty in a day. How did you even start on that?

Same people, same subject. In the second version each person offers something, so neither is being questioned. Notice too that Mei found a small connection ("we both move things around on a timetable"). You do not need a big thing in common. A small one is enough to stand on.

Follow the thread they care about

In any answer, one part has more energy than the rest. The person speaks a little faster, smiles, uses their hands, or adds a detail nobody asked for. That is the thread. Follow it, even if it is not the subject you planned.

Picture Rafael at a networking event. He asks a woman named Ingrid what she does. She says: "I manage contracts for a shipping company. It pays for the boat." Rafael has a choice. He can ask about contracts, which is the sensible professional question. Or he can ask "What boat?". Ingrid has just told him what she cares about. If he asks about the boat, he will get ten minutes of happy conversation and she will remember him as excellent company. They can come back to contracts later, and she will be much more willing to.

Listening for threads is a big subject, and Part 5, Listening and Asking Questions, is devoted to it. For now, one rule: when a person mentions something they did not have to mention, ask about that.

Small talk is a bridge, not the destination

Many people say they hate small talk. What they hate is small talk that goes nowhere: ten minutes on the weather. But small talk has a real job. It lets two strangers check, at low cost, that the other person is friendly and safe to talk to. Conversation about the weather is not about the weather. It says "I am willing to talk to you, are you willing to talk to me?"

So treat it as a bridge. Cross it, and do not camp on it. After a few exchanges, move one step toward something more personal or more interesting. We will look at how in Level 5.

Topics that are safe almost everywhere

• The event, place or situation you are both in
• Food and drink, especially local food
• Travel: how they got here, places they have liked
• Work in general terms: what a normal day involves, what they are working on
• What they do outside work: sport, music, films, books, hobbies
• The city or neighbourhood: what to see, where to eat
• What they are learning or looking forward to
• The weather, briefly

Topics to avoid at first

• Party politics and divisive current events
• Religion, unless the other person raises it
• Money: salary, the price of their house, what something cost
• Health, weight, age and appearance
• Whether someone is married, why not, and whether they have or want children
• Gossip and criticism of people who are not present
• Stereotypes about their country, region or accent

This list is not the same everywhere, and it is worth saying so. In many parts of South Asia, the Middle East and Africa, questions about family are a normal and warm way to begin, and asking nothing about someone's family can seem cold. In some countries people talk about what things cost quite freely. In others, a question about marriage from a stranger on a train is ordinary friendliness. The safe approach when you are outside your own culture is to let the other person choose the level. If they ask about your family, you can ask about theirs. Answer what you are comfortable answering, warmly, and do not take a personal question as rudeness when it is meant as interest.

Level 4: Silence and awkward moments

Every conversation has bumps. People who are good at talking to strangers hit exactly as many bumps as you do. They are simply less bothered by them.

When you get a one-word answer

A one-word answer has three possible meanings: the person is shy, the person is distracted, or the person does not want to talk. You cannot tell which from one answer. So use what I call the two-attempt rule. Make one more light attempt, with a little more of yourself in it. If the second answer is also short and no question comes back, the person has told you what they want. Thank them with a smile and let them be.

You: Have you been to this conference before?
Stranger: No.
You: Me neither. I've spent most of the morning lost on the second floor. Have you found the main hall yet?
Stranger: Oh, yes, it's through the glass doors. It took me a while as well. Which talks are you going to?

That was shyness. The second attempt gave them something to hold. Now the other version:

You: Have you been to this conference before?
Stranger: No.
You: Me neither. Have you found the main hall yet?
Stranger: Yes. (looks back at phone)
You: Great. Enjoy the afternoon.

That was a no, and you handled it in fifteen seconds with no damage to anyone. Notice that the exit was friendly. You are not punishing them for not wanting to talk.

When silence falls in the middle

A pause of three or four seconds feels like a minute when you are nervous. It is not. People use pauses to think, to sip a drink, to look around. Let the first few seconds pass without panic. Often the other person fills it. If they do not, you have four reliable ways to restart.

1. Go back to something they said earlier. "You mentioned you'd just moved. How are you finding the new place?" This is the best restart, because it shows you were listening.
2. Return to the shared situation. "I think they're about to start again. Which session are you going to?"
3. Offer something of your own. "I've been trying to decide whether to stay for the evening event." Then let them respond.
4. Name it lightly. "I've completely lost what I was about to say." Said with a smile, this relaxes both of you. It shows the silence does not frighten you.

When you say something clumsy

You will get a name wrong, ask about a job someone has just lost, or congratulate someone on the wrong thing. Apologise once, briefly, and move on. "I'm sorry, that was clumsy of me. Tell me what you're doing now." A long apology makes the other person look after your feelings, which is a second burden. One sentence, then forward.

Leaving gracefully when it is not working

Some conversations do not work. The two of you have little to say to each other, or the other person keeps looking over your shoulder. This is not a disaster and it needs no excuse about an urgent call. Use the same three steps you would use for any ending: say something appreciative, say what you are going to do, and go.

"It was good to meet you, Arjun. I'm going to get a seat before the next session fills up. Enjoy the rest of the day."

Do not invent an urgent phone call. "I'm going to say hello to a few more people" is honest and perfectly acceptable at any event.

Level 5: Advanced conversations

From small talk to a real conversation

The move from small talk to real talk is a change in the kind of question. Small talk asks for facts. Real conversation asks for opinions, reasons, feelings and stories. You go one step at a time, and you go first.

"You go first" means offering something slightly more personal yourself before asking it of them. "I changed careers at thirty-five and I was terrified for the first six months. How did you find the move into management?" You have shown it is safe to give an honest answer. If the person replies with facts only, step back to lighter ground. Depth is offered, never pushed.

Remembering and using names

Most people do not forget names. They never hear them, because at the moment of introduction they are thinking about what to say next. So the method starts with attention.

1. Listen for the name as if it were the only thing you had to do in that second.
2. Say it back at once. "Good to meet you, Oluwaseun."
3. If you did not catch it, ask immediately. "I'm sorry, could you say your name again? I want to get it right." Asking in the first minute is a compliment. Asking after an hour is embarrassing.
4. If the name is new to you, ask how to say it, and practise. "Have I got that right?" Never shorten a name or offer a nickname unless the person does.
5. Connect it to something: their face, their job, a person you know with the same name.
6. Use it once more when you leave, and write it down afterwards with one detail about them.

Do not overuse it. A name in every second sentence sounds like a sales technique. Once at the start, perhaps once in the middle, once at the end. And check the local custom on which name to use: in many countries and organisations, first names are for friends, and a title with a family name is correct until you are invited to be less formal.

When you have forgotten a name, say so. "I remember our conversation about the bridge closure perfectly, and your name has gone. Please remind me." Nobody minds that.

Joining a group that is already talking

Walking up to three people in conversation feels harder than approaching one. It is mostly a matter of choosing the right group.

Look at how they are standing. Two people face to face, close together, speaking quietly, are having a private conversation. Leave them. A group standing in a loose shape with gaps, with people glancing around the room, is open. Groups of three or more are easier to join than pairs.

1. Stand at the edge, in a gap, where you can be seen.
2. Listen for half a minute. Make eye contact with whoever is speaking, and with anyone who looks at you.
3. Wait for a pause or a laugh. Do not interrupt a story.
4. Either ask to join ("Do you mind if I join you? I'm Tomas.") or add a short comment on the subject.
5. Do not change the subject for the first few minutes. You have joined their conversation.

If nobody turns toward you after a minute, the group is closed. Walk on calmly. It is not a judgement on you. They may be old friends or discussing something private.

Including a quiet person

Once you are inside a group, look for the person at the edge who has not spoken. Bringing them in is one of the kindest and most impressive things you can do, and people remember who did it for them.

Do it gently. "You're very quiet, aren't you?" puts a spotlight on them. Instead, offer an easy way in that connects to something they know.

"Hana, you work with suppliers in that region, don't you? Does this match what you see?"

Or simply turn your body to open a gap in the circle, and give a one-line summary to anyone who has just arrived: "We were comparing the worst hotels we've stayed in for work." If the quiet person gives a short answer, accept it warmly and move on. Some people enjoy listening.

Talking to someone senior or well known

The chief executive, the professor, the keynote speaker, the author. Three things help.

First, remember that they are asked the same few questions all day, often by people who want something. A specific remark about their work, followed by a real question, is rare and welcome.

Second, be brief. Have one point and one question, and be ready to leave after two minutes. If they want to continue, they will.

Third, do not open with a request. No CV, no "can you introduce me to", no selfie as your first sentence.

Weak: "I'm such a huge fan, I've followed your work for years, I can't believe I'm meeting you, I'd love to pick your brain sometime."
Stronger: "Professor Okafor, I'm Lena, a second-year student. Your point about measuring what farmers actually do, not what they say they do, changed my project. How did you get people to let you watch them work?"

The stronger version is specific, shows you have done something with their idea, and asks a question they will enjoy answering. On forms of address, customs differ widely. In some workplaces the most senior person is called by their first name. In many others, and in many countries, a title and family name are expected until you are told otherwise. When unsure, start formal. It is easy to become less formal and awkward to go the other way.

Approaching a potential client or employer without selling

You meet someone who could hire you or buy from you. The temptation is to pitch. Don't. A first conversation with a stranger is not a sales meeting, and a person who is pitched to at the coffee table starts looking for the exit.

Your aim is smaller and more achievable: to understand their world a little, to be someone they enjoyed talking to, and to leave a reason to talk again.

Weak: "Hi, I'm Rafael. We make scheduling software that can cut your admin time in half. Do you have five minutes? Here's my card."
Stronger: "Hi, I'm Rafael. I heard you mention in the panel that rota planning eats your Fridays. What makes it so painful?"

In the stronger version Rafael asks and listens. If she asks what he does, he answers in one or two sentences, using the introduction he built in Part 1, and then returns to her. If there is a real fit, he says so honestly and offers a next step without pressure: "We work on exactly this. I don't want to turn your coffee break into a sales call. Would it be useful if I sent you a short note next week?" If she says no, he accepts it and carries on the conversation as a person. How to present an offer properly belongs to Part 8, The Product Pitch.

The same goes for an employer. Ask about the team's work, show you have read about it, and ask for advice, not a job. "What would you suggest someone in my position learn next?" is easy to answer and tells them a lot about you.

One point of honesty. Be open about who you are. Do not pretend to be a neutral fellow guest when you are there to sell, and do not fake interest in someone's hobby to soften them up. People usually sense it, and you would deserve the result.

Level 6: Across languages, cultures and places

Conversation in a second language

If you are the one speaking a second language, you have more going for you than you think. People admire the effort, and simple sentences are clear sentences.

• Prepare five or six openers and two exit lines in advance, and practise them aloud until they are automatic.
• Learn the repair phrases: "Could you say that again more slowly?", "What does that word mean?", "Let me say that a different way."
• Ask more questions. Listening is easier than speaking, and people enjoy being asked.
• Do not apologise for your language level more than once. "My English is still improving, so please tell me if I'm unclear" is plenty.

If the other person is the one speaking your language as their second, the work is yours. Slow down a little, but do not raise your voice. Use plain words and avoid idioms: "it's raining heavily", not "it's chucking it down". Ask one question at a time. Give them time to finish a sentence without supplying the word for them, unless they ask. Do not switch to another language the moment they hesitate, because it tells them they have failed. And never comment on the accent.

Differences between cultures

What follows are tendencies, not laws. People within one country differ more than countries differ from each other, so observe the person in front of you.

• Talking to strangers at all. In much of the United States, and in many parts of Latin America, Africa and South Asia, chatting with a stranger in a queue or on a train is ordinary. In parts of Northern Europe and East Asia, people tend to leave strangers in peace in public, and quiet on public transport is a form of courtesy. There, an event with a purpose (a course, a conference, a club) is a much better place to start conversations than a train.
• Directness. Some cultures value saying things plainly and may find a lot of small talk a waste of time. Others treat a period of relationship-building talk as essential before any business, and see a fast move to the point as rude.
• Personal questions. As noted earlier, questions about family, marriage and age are warm in some places and intrusive in others.
• Touch and distance. Handshakes, kisses on the cheek, bows and no contact at all are each normal somewhere. Comfortable standing distance varies too. Follow the other person's lead.
• Silence. In some cultures a pause shows you are considering what was said. In others it is filled quickly. A quiet partner may be being respectful.
• Refusal. In many cultures people avoid a direct "no". "Maybe later" or "I'll see" often means no. Treat it as one.

Big cities and small towns

In a big city, people protect their attention. They are surrounded by strangers all day, so they ignore most of them, and that is a kindness of its own. Keep openers short, have a clear reason, and do not take briskness personally. In a small town or village, greeting people you pass may be expected, conversations in shops run longer, and hurrying through them looks cold. People may also ask who you are and what brings you there, which is interest, not suspicion. If you move from one to the other, adjust your pace before you judge the locals.

Safety and respect

Everything in this article depends on this section. A conversation is only good if both people are free to have it or not.

Think about how your approach feels from the other side. You know you are harmless. The stranger does not. Your size, your sex, the time of day, how empty the place is, and whether they can easily leave all change how a friendly sentence is received. A comment that is pleasant in a busy conference hall at noon can be frightening on an empty platform at night. In those settings, the respectful choice is usually to say nothing, or to say only what is practical.

• Take no for an answer, the first time. No can be a word, a short reply, a turned shoulder, headphones going back in, or a step away. None of these needs explaining and none should be argued with.
• Never corner someone. Do not block a door, an aisle or a seat. Do not follow a person who has moved away.
• Be careful where the other person cannot leave: a plane seat, a lift, a taxi, or their place of work. A shop assistant or waiter is paid to be polite to you. Their friendliness is part of the job, so keep it light and do not ask for personal details or contact information.
• Mind differences in power. If you are senior to the person, they may not feel able to end the conversation. Give them easy exits.
• Do not ask where someone lives, whether they are travelling alone, or where they are going next. You may mean nothing by it. It does not sound that way.
• Offer your contact details instead of asking for theirs when there is any doubt. That leaves the choice with them.
• Look after yourself too. You do not owe any stranger a conversation, your full name or your number. "I need to get on, take care" is a complete sentence.

Ending well

People remember the end of a conversation more clearly than the middle. A clean, warm ending also makes the next approach easier for you, because you know you can always get out.

Exit lines that leave a good impression

A good exit has three parts: something appreciative and specific, what you are going to do now, and a goodbye with their name.

"I've really enjoyed hearing about the route planning, Kwame. I'm going to find my seat for the next session. I hope the bridge reopens soon."
"Ingrid, thank you, I now know more about sailing than I did an hour ago. I promised myself I'd meet a few more people tonight, so I'll leave you in peace."
"I should let you get back to your family. It was lovely to meet you, Ngozi."
"This is my stop. Good luck with the interview on Thursday."

Leave while the conversation is still good. It feels unnatural, but ending on a high point is far better than waiting for the talk to run dry.

Exchanging contact details naturally

Only do this when there is a reason: something to send, a conversation to continue, an introduction to make. The reason makes the request natural.

"I'll send you the name of that book on scheduling. What's the best way to reach you?"
"I'd like to hear how the launch goes. Are you on any of the professional networks, or is email better?"

Let them choose the channel. Some people prefer not to give a phone number, and in some countries a messaging app is the normal business channel while in others it is private. If they hesitate, offer yours instead: "Here's my card, no obligation at all." Then make a note of what you promised.

Following up the next day

Write within a day or two, while they still remember your face. Keep it short, mention something specific from the conversation, do what you promised, and do not ask for much.

Weak: "Great to meet you yesterday. Let's keep in touch."
Stronger: "Hello Kwame, it was good to meet you in the coffee queue at the logistics course yesterday. I keep thinking about your forty routes in one day. Here is the article on scheduling I mentioned. If you ever want to compare notes between hospitals and lorries, I'd enjoy that. Best wishes, Mei"

The stronger message reminds him where you met, shows you listened, gives something, and leaves the door open without pushing. If there is no reply, one gentle follow-up a week or two later is reasonable. After that, let it rest.

Common mistakes

• Waiting for the perfect line. The moment passes while you compose it. An ordinary sentence now beats a good one too late.
• Talking through the pause after your opener, so the other person cannot answer.
• Asking question after question and offering nothing of yourself.
• The opposite: talking only about yourself. If you have spoken for a minute without a question, hand it back.
• Looking over their shoulder for someone more useful, or glancing at your phone.
• Ignoring a no, or treating it as a challenge.
• Staying too long because you do not know how to leave.
• Judging yourself by one conversation. One flat exchange tells you about that person's morning, not about you.

A four-week practice ladder

Each week adds one step. Keep a note on your phone with three columns: what you tried, what happened, and how nervous you felt before and after, from 1 to 10. Count attempts, not successes. An attempt that got a short answer still counts.

If a week feels too hard, repeat it. There is no prize for speed.

One-page checklist

Before

• Is the person open? Check posture, headphones, pace and eyes together.
• Is it a waiting moment, not a busy one?
• Is their way out clear?

Opening

• Approach from the front or side, at a comfortable distance.
• One short, ordinary sentence: the situation, a real question, a specific compliment, a small request, or hello and your name.
• Then stop and wait.

Continuing

• Answer, add a detail, ask.
• Follow the thread with the most energy.
• Catch the name and use it.
• After a short answer, try once more, then let go.

Ending

• Leave while it is good: thanks, what you are doing next, goodbye with their name.
• Exchange details only with a reason, and let them choose how.
• Follow up within two days with something specific.

Always

• An opener is an invitation. A no is an acceptable answer.

What comes next

You may have noticed how much of this part happened before anyone spoke: deciding whether someone was open, where to stand, how close, when to look and when to look away. Your body starts the conversation before your words do, and it keeps talking the whole time. Part 3, Body Language That Impresses: Posture, Eyes, Hands and Space, takes those signals one at a time, shows what they tell other people about you, and explains which of them change from one culture to another.